November 11, 2013

Are You My Mojo?

You know that children's book Are You My Mother? In the book mother bird leaves to go find food for her soon-to-be-hatched baby, but while she is gone is when he hatches. What follows is a long journey of him searching for his mother, going up to cats, dogs, chickens, even a back hoe, asking each one "Are you my mother?"

That's what I've felt like this year, searching for my mojo.

Somewhere along the line early this year I think I gave up on life. I stopped meal planning (which meant barely cooking and what I did cook was trash), I just about stopped cleaning, I pretty much stopped knitting, I stopped blogging (and interacting), I stopped doing the normal things I did. You know all those things I used to talk about that had you all fooled I had it together? Yeah. I didn't have it together this time.

I spent most of the summer battling some bouts of depression and trying to figure out why I wasn't "normal" anymore. It's been a long summer, filled with changes, working through pain and problems, looking at myself,  dealing with a lot of shit (sorry, best word I have for it), and still trying to make sure our home is a home and trying to pull together what little bit of myself I could to not let everything go to hell.

On top of all that, I've been working so hard to get Bumblewood launched and going, all by myself, late at night, which I think was actually good because it gave me a ... purpose. Something to keep me going and not let myself slip so far off the edge. (I hate to make this sound like my kids and my husband aren't a good enough "purpose", they are! and I love them all deeply, but I don't think I could really describe it to you unless you've been there...)

I think, I hope, I've finally figured out my problems and settled into the new me. I feel like I'm finally coming alive again. I feel like I'm finally walking out of the fog I've been in for months, like I finally care again.

Iron Man, Batman, Hulk, Black Widow, and Spider Man

Anyways, enough of my pity party.

It's been a busy summer, busy last couple of weeks since I posted.

Bumblewood did another show at the beginning of the month, this time at the American Heroes Car Show which raised funds for the Wounded Warriors foundation, Young Marines, and Soldier's Angels. I had a great time, launched a new line of all natural Deodorants, and was nestled next to a sweet friend who sells her amazing candles. It was a wonderful day!

We very sadly had to get rid of the puppy, Annie. She was just too rough with our little guys, nipping and jumping and plowing them over. They didn't know how to handle it, and they had just about stopped going outside because she was too rough. That on top of destroying absolutely everything in the backyard (including the rope bridge of their new fort).... It was too much. So we are pet-less again, and it will probably stay that way for awhile.

The soaps have gotten so popular in just a month that I had to order two more molds. I started this all with two little 3 lb molds, and I can barely keep up with demand. So I've ordered two 6 lb molds and that should hopefully be good for awhile. I just need more shelf space to hold all the soap. :)

There have been some very frustrating aspects of the business, but it's not really worth getting into and I'm trying to let it roll off my back. It's just surprising, and interesting, in a way. 

The boys are doing excellent in school! Jack is trying to read things on his own, sounding out words and making good guesses on the ones that are really big. Ty can read the words I give him, but isn't interested enough to do it on his own, so we won't push it too much and will wait until he shows more interest. I believe the best way to make a kid hate something and cause fights is to force them to do it, so we go with the flow around here.

They are all growing like weeds! And eating like dinosaurs. They have consumed so much food lately.

We have been sick twice in the last month. This is mostly my fault, and mostly to do with my issues and not cooking like normal. I stopped cooking all our meals from scratch, and we supplemented a lot with either fast food, or boxed food. And our immune systems paid for. So I'm determined to get back on track because being sick is not fun and I really don't have time for it.

I have a few Christmas orders for knitted items that I am working on. One is a set of head band ear warmers with flowers on them. They are really simple and really cute, and I am almost done with them. After that I have a set of stockings for a friend.

I'm sort of in limbo right now as I wait for supplies (totally not happy with the slow service of my suppliers right now) and printer ink. I can't make things, or label what I do have ready right now. I told that to Ben and he said "You mean you actually have to SIT DOWN and RELAX tonight?!?" Heehee. I said "Nope, I have to knit". ;)

Today, for the first time in months, I deep cleaned my entire house. Everything is absolutely spotless. I'm hoping it stays that way for at least the night. But I think I'm going to sleep good tonight, haha.

The wonderful Molly over at Molly Makes Do has sweetly offered me some free ad space on her side bar for a bit. If you don't read her blog already, you really need to. It is filled with family and faith and she has the best, most positive outlook on life, despite some hard times. Very strong woman, and I admire her greatly.

Well, I'm sure I've bored you enough and have definitely talked your ear/eyes off. So I'm off.

Happy Veteran's Day! Thank you to all who have and continue to serve!



Anita said...

I used to read that book to my girls. You've brought back memories. :) Using it as your metaphor in trying to get mojo back presents a good picture of where you've been. I'm sorry you've had the blues. I hope things continue in an upward direction and that you find renewed excitement in your business. And by the way, we were someone "before" we became someone's wife and someone's mother. While we give a lot of ourselves to our family which varies depending on many factors, we don't ever want to give 100% to them even though we like and love them. At least, I don't. I kinda like and love myself and enjoy things that have nothing to do with them.

Anita said...

Oh, forgot to say that I like your pictures. :)

Reifyn said...

Wow, so I'm not the only one who's had the worst year ever to the verge of giving up?
The things you wrote were no pity-party, they're a valid voice for how you feel and have felt—even those feelings themselves are valid; and when we go through these terrible dark places and then come out into the daylight, it feels like a miracle. People like us have been through some war ourselves: when we meet, we're glad each has survived. We ought to have ribbons and medals, even if we make them ourselves.
Here, you can have one of mine. I'm so proud of you.

Tombstone Livestock said...

There are so many days I wonder where the day went seems I don't get around to all the things I want or need to do. Hang in there, I have supplies to make 32 pounds of soap, right after I bought all the stuff I had company and put it away out of site in bins, it's still there 3 + years later, at least you made soap. I have been spinning.

Kessie said...

I'm so glad you're doing better! I was in that slump all last year. I still shudder just thinking about it. There's no words to describe the despair and pushing on day after day anyway.

I'm glad Bumblewood has taken off! I know I've enjoyed the box you sent me--hoarded it, more like. :-)

Julia said...

Hi Meg, you are stronger than you think. Carrying on launching your new business while you have been battling the blues takes a lot of courage. You sure did a great job hiding it but I'm glad that you shared that heavy burden with your blogger friends. We've all been down that road at one time or another. Being a mom and wife is difficult enough on it's own and even harder when depressed. I know about depression... if feels good to come out of it and feel joy again.

I'm glad that your soap and natural product business is doing so well and that's something that you can be proud of. You've worked real hard at it. I know that you will find joy again because light always come after darkness.

What a great picture of you and all your super heros. Just precious. The kids cleaning out the pumpkins brought back sweet memories of my kids when they were little.

Big hugs Meg,

Farm Girl said...

I won't write you a book in comments. I am glad you shared what you have been feeling. Really, I think as women we battle this every day. I know I do. Trying to find a balance is always the hardest. We will talk soon, okay?
I love you,

Staci at Life At Cobble Hill Farm said...

Ok, so this is the third time I'm trying to leave this comment. :) It's going to be a bit shorter than the previous 2 versions, but just as heartfelt. :) I can understand, to some extent, what you're going thru. Although I don't have kids, it's still hard to juggle everything and take time away from others to put toward the business I'm starting. Leaving my job this year was both the best thing and the worst thing - I hated my job because the people I worked for had zero ethics or morals but at the same time I have so much guilt of no longer contributing financially to the household. Then, start a business where I'm sucking more money from the household and hours and hours and hours of time, but I love the business. It makes me happy and it's something I'm passionate about. No one is perfect, we all go through times where we just can't do it all, and I am one who is not good at asking for help, making it doubly hard. :) I'm so happy for you that you've also found something that makes you happy and that you're passionate about. I think your kids will see that and bring that into their own lives. I'm happy it seems you're starting to work through your emotions and feelings so you can pull yourself up and continue moving forward. You deserve the best. You really do. I'm proud of you and still think you're superwoman {dressed up as the black widow}. You and the kids look so adorable in the Halloween photo. Hugs to you!!

Molly said...

You're too sweet =) I'm glad to be surrounded by such strong women this year.

Our Neck of the Woods said...

I'm so glad to hear you are doing better! I know it can be hard to pull yourself out of what you were in, so I'm glad you have the business to give you something to focus your attention on. It sounds like it has helped you in many ways, so that is really great. I wish you continued success with Bumblewood!

Kim said...

Aww Meg, I'm glad you are starting feel better. I don't know how you do it. I don't have 4 little boys to look after but I've had bouts like this. It can be hard to pull yourself out. You don't give yourself enough credit. You amaze me

Anonymous said...

Meg, you are one busy lady. I'm glad to hear you're getting your "mojo" back (not quite sure what mojo is but it is definitely something we want back when it's missing :) ). May the Lord continue to sustain you as you go through life's challenges. May He bless you and keep you and make His face shine upon you. May He provide you with everything you need.

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